We love bashing our own city. We’ll instantaneously bite the head off any non-Miamians who dares talk down about our town, but sometimes it seems we take a bit too much pleasure in reserving that shit talking for ourselves.
There’s plenty of reason to, but sometimes we need to be reminded of why we’re all pretty lucky to live here. So in the spirit of our New York compatriots who recently put together their own list, we present to you 50 reasons why we love living in Miami. No, it is not just a listing of the average temperatures in January and February. There’s a hell of a lot more to love about this place.
50. Unlike other cities there’s none of the snobby attitude over who is “a real Miamian.” No one’s actually from here, and if you’ve been here long enough to get at least half of this list we’ll consider you one of our own.
49. That the fact everyone else now hates the Miami Heat only makes us love them more. In fact, we wouldn’t have it any other way.
48. Not only is topless sunbathing legal, but it’s really no big deal.
47. Most of the racist white folk moved away years ago.
46. The guy who dances to oldies coming out of his beat up boombox in his platform shoes on Lincoln Road is the hardest working man in show business; we don’t care what anyone says.
45. Art Basel Miami Beach and everything connected to it is the world’s most highbrow 24/7 weeklong party.
44. Winter Music Conference and everything connected to it is the world’s most down-n-dirty 24/7 weeklong party.
43. Our Catholic priests are too busy knocking up strippers or fondling their girlfriends on the beach to diddle little boys.
42. We’re the city that sleeps past noon.
41. Miami is cuter than an inter-uterine. (Did Bea Arthur and Betty White ever duet on a song about another city? No. No they did not.)
40. Our hipsters are mostly tolerable. The few douchey ones are just saving up to move to Williamsburg anyway.
39. Dressing for the cold means wearing a hoody with your flip flops.
38. At this point our Cuban food is more authentic than the Cuban food in Cuba.
37. Everyone thinks we’re all dumb, but we’ve yet to meet a single person in this town who couldn’t teach us at least one invaluable and ingenious lesson.
36. Not only has our local art scene emerged as one of the best in the country, but it’s also probably the least stuffy and most fun art scene in the world. Ain’t no party like a Second Saturday party.br />
35. If your career ever takes you anywhere else, whether you realize it at first or not, it’s just so you can hurry up and move back to Miami to retire in style sooner.
34. Lime Fresh Mexican Grill, Pizza Rustica and Pollo Tropical beat Chipotle, Dominos, KFC or pretty much any other fast food or fast casual restaurant hands down.
33. Our clubs and bars are open later than pretty much anywhere else, and even if you don’t stay out til 5 a.m., it’s nice to know you won’t be hassled home until you’re good and ready.
32. Even if you’re an hour late to something, you’re not really late. It’s Miami time.
31. Our Republicans are just Democrats who are too stubborn to admit it.
30. Watching local high school football games is a sneak peek into the future of the NFL.
29. We’ve somehow managed to trick all the tourists into thinking Ocean Drive is the best part of South Beach. That way there’s less of them to spoil our fun in the rest of SoBe.
28. Everyone dances when “Lookout Weekend” and “Face Down Ass Up” come on. Everyone groans when “Welcome to Miami” or “I’m in Miami Bitch” come on. Our real anthems don’t need the name of our city in them.
27. Sweat Records and Churchill’s are next door to each other.
26. This city’s outpouring of support following the earthquake in Haiti was pretty inspiring. We may be aloof, but we have a hell of a heart when it matters.
25. Sure, there’s always going to be someone else in the club sexier than you, but there’s also going to be more than a few hot messes grinding away who instantly raise your self esteem. And God bless those hot messes, they’re probably having the time of their life.
24. There’s a strong entrepreneurial streak here (even if it tends to sometimes manifest itself in illegal ways).
23. There’s nothing quite like a Trick Daddy jam featuring Trina. There’s also nothing quite like feeling we live half our lives in a video for a Trick Daddy or Trina track.
22. As long as it’s legal and consensual we won’t judge you for what you like to do in the bedroom. Come to think of it, we won’t even judge you if you do it outside the bedroom. We will, however, judge you if you’re not doing anything.
21. Gloria Estefan is a kind and benevolent queen.
20. The only reason we haven’t seceded from the rest of Florida yet is we don’t want to lose our instate discount at Disney World, otherwise we hate the rest of this state about as much as they hate us: so very much.
19. We may be paying the price for that skyline in downtown for a while, but look at it: It’s beautiful.
18. For those of us who don’t already speak it, our entire life is like a Spanish lesson. Except unlike in high school, we’re sure to be taught the dirty words right away.
17. There’s beautiful people here of every imaginable ethnicity, and when they get together their kids are even more beautiful.
16.The Gangster Rap-inspired video for folkster Rachel Goodrich’s song “Lightbulb” makes all the sense in the world and wouldn’t if it came out of anywhere else.
15. We were too busy tracking down the Latin Burger truck on Twitter to notice that we now have a Shake Shack.
14. Guayaberas are considered formal wear.
13. We can’t chose which architectural style we like better: MiMo or Art Deco. Oh, that’s right, we don’t have to.
12. Our Real Housewives franchise has a drag queen.
11. We have all the benefits of living in the south without having to actually live in “The South.”
10. In other cities billionaires appoint themselves mayors for life. Our billionaires just put up the funds to kick our mayors out of office.
9. Even when the Hurricanes suck by Hurricanes standards they’re still a pretty amazing team by most college football’s standards.
8. Jungle Island is home to the two biggest Ligers in the world.
7. This is disgusting, but also a little beautiful: you are probably never more than 10 feet from a spot where someone once had some sort of sex. Alley way? Someone had sex there. Bathroom? They don’t call it going to the head for nothing. Restaurant? Someone got an under the table HJ for sure. Highway? The Bang Bus just rolled through.
6. We’re the only city sandwiched in between two National Parks.
5. Sure we have to deal with bottle service, but if you master the art of the open bar and the drink ticket you’ll never pay for booze again.
4. Scarface still comes across as more authentic than all the reality shows shot here combined.
3. The vacation rentals are so great that when our out-of-town friends and family come to visit, they sure as hell don’t want to stay at our place.
2. This whole “no state income tax” thing is pretty sweet.
1. The old joke is that “the best thing about Miami is how close it is to the United States.” Truth is there are few places where the American Dream shines more brightly. People literally risk everything they have, including their lives, to escape oppressive governments and other treacherous plights to come here and make a better life for themselves and their families. Not only that, but most of them succeed. If that doesn’t make you glad to live in Miami, we don’t know what will.
This is just fifty. We’re sure there’s plenty of other reasons to live living here, and we’d love to hear them in the comments. Actually, that’s another reasons we love living in Miami: No one is afraid of speaking their mind.